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TRANSCRIPT

Elizabeth Smart:

[00:00:00] Hello everyone and welcome back to season two of Smart Talks. Smart Talks is all about learning, and feeling empowered, and realizing that this is a safe space to share survivors stories, to learn about what tools and modalities of therapy are available out there. Just to become a better educated person, better educated member of the community when it comes to, you know, sexual violence, human trafficking, rape, the different forms of violence and how we can better support our survivors and honestly create a better community. I will never give up on my sense of community. I will never give up in my belief in humanity because I just go back to when I was kidnapped and it was the most shocking, horrific thing I had ever experienced. 

[00:00:52] Before I was kidnapped, I lived a very sheltered life. I lived in a bubble. I didn't think bad things happened. I didn't think that, I mean, yes, I saw stories of rape on the news, but the news seemed so far away. It seemed like a different world that didn't actually seem real. It didn't actually seem like that was in my world. And then I was kidnapped, and I was raped, and while I was held captive for nine months, a lot of horrific things happened up. I mean, I, happened, I was forced to go naked. I was forced to drink alcohol, which I had never drank before in my entire life. I vividly remember going through the DARE program. I think it was in fifth grade and, how at the end of the program, we all made this pledge that we wouldn't do drugs or abuse alcohol. And I remember making that pledge so clearly. And I remember when I was kidnapped and my captor was pushing this cup of wine on me telling me that I wouldn't be able to eat until I drank the wine.

[00:01:58] And I remember being starving and I remember finally giving in and drinking that wine, and just feeling like I had failed myself. But looking back, I, I don't, I don't regret giving in to drinking that cup of wine. I don't regret anything that I did because I'm here, and I'm alive, and I have a wonderful life now.

[00:02:23] It's not perfect. I'm human. I still have my, my sad days. I still have my happy days. I mean, you know, life continues and with it comes every up and down along the way. And so I want to also provide that sense of hope for other survivors out there listening and truthfully anyone, because nobody has the same story as anyone else.

[00:02:46] And we all have a story. And if you don't feel like you have a story, just wait, because I can promise you. You will have a story at some point in your life and you will go through something and it will be hard, but as we go and move through this together, I really believe that we can, we can pull together and we can support each other.

[00:03:05] And that's how we will all heal. And that's how we will all move forward. And going back to what I was talking about, this sense of community. I remember when I was rescued. I, the day that I, the police stopped my captors and I on State Street, down in Salt Lake City, I initially remember being terrified. I had been, it had been nine months since I'd been kidnapped.

[00:03:31] No one had ever been able to protect me from my captors up until that point, no one had ever stopped them from doing whatever they wanted to do to me. They'd also stolen. I'd watched them as they stole food from grocery stores, as they stole clothes, they lied, they got away with everything. So as these police officers were questioning me, I remember thinking they won't believe me. Why would they believe me? Not to mention my captors sat there and they're like, well, you know, we're ministers for Christ. We're just trying to spread Christ's teaching and his word, his doctrine among his followers. And in my mind, just sitting there thinking "why would these police officers believe me a 15 year old girl? Who's supposedly here with her parents and they're sitting there saying that they're these good people that they're trying to do something good. Trying to help humanity, you know, trying to. Did teach about Christ to teach about God, why would a police officer believe me over them?" And it wasn't until those police officers separated me from my captors and they started to question me alone.

[00:04:40] And it was only when this one police officer in particular was like, "You know, there's a girl she's been missing now for a very long time. And her family they've never stopped searching for her. They've never stopped loving her. They want her to come home more than anything else in this world. Aren't you ready to come home?" It was really only then in that moment that I was able to say, yes, I want to go home more than anything in this world, and admit who I was. I was handcuffed and put in the back of the car at which point I started thinking, "oh no. Oh no. Great. I did something wrong. I shouldn't have admitted who I was. They think I did something bad. I'm going to jail. I can't believe, I can't believe. After nine months of basically torture, I'm going to jail. That's that's just great. Well, yay." And then thinking about jail I was like, "okay, well they have to give you a bed and I mean, maybe it's not like luxury or anything, but it's probably better than the ground. And they have to feed you and I'm sure they're regulated by the state or something. So it's probably not food that's been pulled out of garbage cans and water has to be available. I mean, they can't deprive me of the basic necessities of life. I imagine that includes a toilet and a shower as well. So actually, as I'm sitting here thinking about it, you know, jail actually sounds like a pretty big step up compared to where I've spent the last nine months."

[00:06:18] And I remember it was right about that time. We had made it to the police station and I was brought into the small little room, which, I mean, I genuinely thought it was the holding cell. I didn't know what was happening next. I didn't know, I didn't know what was going on. I, I don't think anyone, I mean, in all fairness, to the police I don't think they've ever been in that situation before. I don't know that they had best practices back then. And I don't think anyone ever really expected that I would be found either. And then certainly I'd never been in that situation before. I didn't know what protocol was or anything like that. I just, I think all of us were, were just trying to do the best that we could.

[00:06:54] And I remember, I don't, I don't even know how much time passed. It was like in a fast forwarded, slow motion, kind of, I don't know, period of time, but I remember the door opening up and it was like my dad had just appeared out of thin air and he came rushing over to me and he picked me up in this huge hug and he just was holding onto me so tightly.

[00:07:19] And he started saying, "Elizabeth, is it really you? Is it really you?" And initially, it took me a minute to respond because I wasn't expecting my dad. I mean, they hadn't really told me, they hadn't told me anything. I didn't, I didn't know what was going to happen. So it took me a minute to respond to him.

[00:07:38] But I remember when I finally did, I remember for the first time in nine months feeling safe again and feeling like everything was going to be okay. And I didn't know, I didn't know if I was in trouble. I didn't know if I, I wasn't, I didn't, know what was going to happen next. But I knew that whatever did happen next, that it would be okay because my dad was there and he would never let anyone hurt me again, the way that these two people that hurt me the last nine months, while I'd been held captive.

[00:08:07] And I remember being taken to the police station, where I was reunited with my mom and my brothers and my sister. I remember being brought home that night. And on the way home, actually, I was first taken to the hospital where they did a rape kit and an exam. And, honestly at that point, I remember feeling like nothing really mattered.

[00:08:27] I mean, that, that sounds strange. I mean, I felt like I was so grateful because so much had been given back, but I don't think I had the same sense of shame that I did before, because as the doctors were collecting pubic hair for the rape kit it didn't, it didn't even bother me. It didn't bother me when they, you know, put the speculum in to inspect everything.

[00:08:53]It just didn't even phase me at that point. And I felt like I was poked and prodded as much as a human being can be poked and prodded in the hospital. But I remember finally being brought home that night and we were in this big white van and there were boards, the windows were all boarded up, so no one could see in or out.

[00:09:12] And I remember thinking, "why, why has this been boarded up? This is silly. Like why, why can't I see out the window? This is so silly." And I remember them talking about, "well, how are we going to get to the house? You know, should we drive through the backyard and run her in the runner in like we can drive up to the street above her home and drive through the vacant lot down to her backyard and run her in through the house. Or she would just drive straight up the driveway into the parking lot. Oh, there's so many people there's so much media." And I still had no concept of how much attention my story had really drawn. And I remember they ultimately decided to drive straight up my driveway into my garage, shut the garage, and then allow me to get out of the car and come into my home, which at that point I still thought it was, I still thought, I don't know, it was, it was silly that one person had, I don't know, so much security. Why would, why would everyone care about me? Why would you know, why would the media care that I'd been brought home? Why would there be reporters outside? Why would there be people outside? And I couldn't see them in this van.

[00:10:19] So in my mind it just seemed like a big to- do really about nothing. Cause I just, I just didn't think that there was that amount of interest in me in my story. I mean, yeah, my captors had brought back newspaper articles and missing flyers of me while I had been kidnapped. And they'd been like, oh, all of Salt Lake searching for you, but no one will ever find you because we have you and nine months, I mean, that's a long, that's a long time. And you know, since I've been home, you know, if a child, if a person isn't found within the first 48 hours, the chances of them ever been found, go down to just about nothing. And so it was, it all just seemed like there was so much fuss around me, that was, seemed to be unnecessary. And I remember walking into my house and first of all, feeling like a princess, I mean, there was carpet, there was running water.

[00:11:16] I remember the biggest change about my home was that every window in my house now had curtains or blinds. I did not remember ever really having, I mean, there were some bedrooms, the bedrooms had blinds, but like the main level living, they, it didn't ever have curtains. And all of a sudden there were curtains on every window in my home and they were all closed.

[00:11:40] They were all closed that night. And, and still, I mean, I wasn't looking out of the windows or anything, but I still remember just thinking, "why, why are they all closed? Like why, who cares?" But I remember that night being home and feeling so happy. And the next day I, I woke up before my brothers and my sister, and I remember walking through my house. And it had actually been kind of a struggle to find clothes that fit me still because although I had been deprived, a lot of food, I had bloated. And so it was very hard to find anything that fit. I remember finally finding a pair of jeans that had always been really big, but now were super tight. Had a problem  zipping them up. And I remember finding my old choir shirt that, I mean, it was just plain white, long sleeve little v-neck, that initially had been big, but I remember it actually being tight on me. And I remember just walking around my house and then my dad got home and he came up carrying this, it was sort of a green color, it was a Teddy bear and this bouquet of flowers. And I thought, "oh, that, that's so nice of him. Like what a nice thought." And he's like, oh, I was just at a press conference, and someone asked me to give you these. And I remember just thinking that he was just being nice and maybe he was, I didn't know why, because it wasn't really in his character to be bashful, but, but maybe it was just the thought that I'd never be back, and now I was back, or I don't know, things that may be changed. I didn't really know what to think, but I genuinely thought they were from him. But as that day went on, my house began to look more and more like a floral shop. There was not a single surface in my house that was not covered and overflowing with flowers. Every bathroom in my house had a bouquet of flowers. And then when the mail started coming, it wasn't just our mailbox was full. The post office actually started delivering our mail in boxes, like big plastic boxes, like laundry baskets of mail to the house.

[00:13:47] And I remember being so shocked and overwhelmed that so many people cared about me. And as I began reading these letters of, of hope and support and love and encouragement, I, I felt so loved. And I felt like so many people cared about me and it was strange and it was a huge adjustment, but I also just felt how many people truly cared about me.

[00:14:22] So as I've moved on in my life since then, and as I've done presentations, and as I've spoken and as I've done advocacy work, and I hear other survivors' stories, I know that the capacity that humanity has for goodness and for support is, is huge. And I can never forget that because of my own experience. I mean, my life since then, of course, as I've already mentioned, there certainly have been hard times.

[00:14:53] There's been, you know, there's been ups and downs. I mean, I'm still human. My life's not perfect, but I have also experienced so much goodness and so much kindness. And so many people being there for me and wanting me to succeed and wanting me to be happy. I, I just don't think I'll ever be able to give up in my belief for the capacity for goodness, that humanity has.

[00:15:22] And so as we move on throughout this season, the Season Two of Smart Talks, I would just urge and encourage everyone to remember their humanity and remember their kindness and their empathy and their compassion, because that's what survivors need more than anything. One of my favorite initiatives, favorite campaigns that the Elizabeth Smart Foundation puts on every year is our We Believe You campaign. And that is all about supporting victims, letting them know that we believe them, in educating ourselves so that should anyone ever disclose to us that we are there and that we are kind, and that we're compassionate, and they know that they are in a safe place and they can share their stories with us. And that we will be there as a community and as a nation, and hopefully eventually as a world to see them through into the next stages of their healing and life. And so I want to say thank you to everyone for tuning into Smart Talks, for continuing to learn and to remember your compassion and remember your humanity.

[00:16:33] And I will forever be grateful to all of you who have supported me over the years. Thank you so much for your prayers, for your sacrifices. Thank you so much for your thoughts and your letters. It really has made a huge difference in my life. I am here today because people like you, and probably you individually, because you cared and because you searched for me, and because you prayed for me, and I'll never forget that.

[00:17:02] So thank you so much. I look forward to all of our future episodes on Smart Talks and God bless all of you.