SHOW NOTES

Follow Cindy on Instagram.

Find Cindy’s book Living In Silence on Amazon.

Follow the Elizabeth Smart Foundation on Instagram and Facebook.

Chat 24/7 with the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

TRANSCRIPT

Elizabeth: You are listening to Smart Talks with the Elizabeth Smart Foundation.

I'm your host, Elizabeth Smart. Smart Talks provides survivors and supporters with tools for healing, a sense of community and empowerment so we can all heal and move forward together.

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Smart Talks by the Elizabeth Smart Foundation. I am your host, Elizabeth. And today we have Cindy Arevalo joining us. Cindy is a survivor and has a book that I'm going to quote out of, it says "in this honest and heartbreaking account, Cindy reveals the torment and abuse she battled in secret at the hands of one of her teachers. Starting in middle school and spanning over her teen years into young adulthood, the abuse Cindy survived and endured became a source of misery, shame, and guilt in her life. Even after tirelessly distancing herself from her abuser, she still couldn't seem to find the freedom she longs for until the moment comes, when she finds her voice and speaks her truth." Cindy is a survivor. She is a hero. She is an advocate and she is an example to every victim and survivor out there. And I am truly honored to have you here to talk to you and learn from your story and from your experiences.

And I am so grateful to you for joining me today. So thank you, Cindy.

[00:01:30] Cindy: Thank you so much, Elizabeth. It's my honor to be here today.

[00:01:33] Elizabeth: Oh, you're so nice. So can you talk to me a little bit about what you were like, who you were as a child?

[00:01:42] Cindy: Yeah. So going back to me being 14 years old, I was very insecure. I was very naive when it came to boys and sexuality. It was something that wasn't talked about at home. My parents never talked to me about boys, about my sexuality or, what it would be like to even like a boy or date a boy. I was always very sheltered, very protected. My parents wouldn't let me go down the street to the little grocery store in the corner by myself. I always had to be with somebody. I couldn't walk to school by myself. I had to be driven off, picked up from my dad. And I just always felt like I was in this little bubble. Of course they were doing it to protect me. But I do think that if they would have been a little more vocal in letting me know, If somebody ever does something inappropriate to you or said something inappropriate to you, it's okay to speak up about it.

That's not something normal.

[00:02:37] Elizabeth: Absolutely. You are. You're right. And actually your upbringing is very similar to mine. And just even thinking about the age 14. It makes me cringe a little bit, because I'm just not convinced that there is any 14 year old or any person who goes through those early teenage years, those early puberty years gracefully.

I'm pretty sure it's awkward for everyone. But I definitely understand what you mean when you talk about your parents being protective of you or what, not talking about sex. That wasn't talked about in my house either. And I had four brothers and they all liked to tease me. I mean, I was second.

So the younger ones, they didn't have as much tease me on cause I was bigger than them back then. But I didn't openly talk about boys, or be like, oh, he's so cute, or I have a crush on him. I mean, I never did that. So I feel like I understand you as a 14 year old, cause it sounds pretty similar to how I was as a 14 year old.

Because you'd lived such a sheltered life, how did everything first begin?

[00:03:44] Cindy: That's a great question. So going back to when I was 14, how everything began was through having a conversation. Something as simple as a conversation. So he was a substitute teacher at the time in my school who then got hired at a permanent capacity.

So he was working there for the rest of the year. And he started asking me if I could just hold his coffee. That's something so simple became something so big later on. So he said, "oh, I need a volunteer to hold my coffee." Nobody raised their hands. So he's looking around the little crowd on who he can pick on.

So he goes, you and I look around and I'm like "me?" And he goes, yeah, he's like "stand up." So I stand up and he says, "I want you to hold my coffee while I take roll of the class." So I stand beside him and he's taking roll and I'm holding his coffee. And he goes, you know what, I'm going to call you coffee girl.

So he gave me the nickname of coffee girl. So that was that day. As I kept seeing him around the school. He's like, "Hey coffee, girl." So that was like an instant buildup for what was to come. He ended up giving me, something that I felt like I lacked a lot of, which is confidence and trust, somebody to talk to, somebody that could actually just hear me.

A lot of the times, my parents worked long hours. They were so exhausted from work. That the last thing they wanted to do was have a conversation with me because my dad worked grave night shifts. My mother cleaned houses for a living. She didn't drive. She had to take the bus or the train to get to work. She would leave at five in the morning, come back at 7:00 PM. She was exhausted. My sister had her own life going on. She is a lot older than me, so I felt like an only child.

And here comes this man who I can trust, who I can talk to, who is a figure of authority. Somebody that is placed in a school that I feel safe with, I feel comfortable with. And he was known as the cool teacher, the fun teacher. So he starts asking me about my home life. And I start opening up like an open book and I tell him, my mom and dad worked long hours. I'm not around my sister much. So he clearly, already has an inside view of what my life at home is. So he starts asking me questions.

What I like, what I don't like, gets to know me. And to me it was like, "oh my gosh, somebody who's interested in talking to me, getting to know me." I felt seen and I felt heard. So I start developing a crush on him at the time. And he later on tells me, you know what? I think I like you, he says, I like you. And I'm thinking in the form of I'm somebody good to talk to, but then he goes, no, I'm interested in more than that would be, like romantically.

So I'm 14. I don't know how to react. Never kissed a boy, never been told by a boy that I'm pretty, he used to compliment me on my jewelry, on my uniform, and it was something so new to me. So foreign. So he tells me that we can't be seen in public. Nobody could know about it. He gives me his phone number to call him.

I don't call him at first. He insisted, so then we start speaking on the phone, and it progresses into something where he feels like he has more of his foot in now. He has more of a say. So he would always tell me if you tell somebody about this, you're going to get in trouble. And so am I, and you wouldn't want that, right? And I'd be like, of course not. So everything that we talked about was in secret. So when my parents worked, I would be on the phone with him, but then came a day where my sister happened to come home early with. My sister picked up the phone. We had a two-story apartment. I was upstairs in my room hanging up the phone with him.

But before I hung up, my sister heard his voice. She didn't hear what we spoke about, but she heard him say, bye. And when she heard that voice, it startled her because she knew that was not the voice of a teenage boy. That was a man. So she asked me who was that? I said, "oh, it's just a friend." She goes, "no, that's not a boy. That was a man. Who was that?" So I'm like, "no, really it was a friend, a boy." And she goes, "no, that's a man. Who was that?" But instead of telling me why it was so concerning for her she goes to my mom and tells her that I'm disgusting. That I'm stupid. That why would I do that? That who did I think I was? That I was messing around with an older man and my mom, of course didn't have the adequate tools to react.

So her form of discipline was physical sometimes. And my sister calls him. She dials, I think it was like star something back then to dial back a number. And she tells him, "don't you ever call this home again. Stay away from my sister. I'm going to report you to the police." She hangs up. She feels like she did was she had to do.

She moves on, but I was never explained why it was so wrong. Nobody told me, you know what this isn't, right. Because of this and that, it was always just very subtle and to the point, and if they thought it was done and over with, it was done and over with. So that night my mother asked me, "so who was that?

And I said, "it was a teacher." And she goes "a teacher? From where? From your school?" I said, "yes," And "how is he like?" So I start describing him. He's tall, and he's white. She's like, oh, he's white. So being in a Hispanic community, I think from the way my mom was raised in El Salvador, they see white people, white men, as somebody of talents, of somebody of wealth, somebody with a headstart in life.

So she goes, "oh, and where does he live?" I said, "he says he lives on a boat." "Oh, a boat." "So he must make money." I'm like, "I don't know." "And what does he drive?" "I think he drives a Land Rover." She goes, "okay. And how old is he?" I'm like, "I don't know. He looks, he's like in his thirties, he says he's 37, but I don't know."

And she goes, "okay, I'll give you permission to speak to him. Who knows? Maybe one day it might turn into something romantic when you're of age." And I'm like, "I don't think he's going to talk to me anymore because of what my sister said." She goes, "oh, poor man. He must be so startled, call him."

Of course he didn't answer. And then when I did call him again, he answered, he's like, "no, I need to stay away from you, your sister threatened me." And I said, "well, my mom said it's okay." And he goes, "what?" I said, "my mom said it's okay." And he says, "No, I don't believe you." He's like, "I need to talk to her." My mom doesn't speak English. So with whatever basic things she knew, she just said, "it's okay."

That's all she said. And to him, that was the green light because he felt like mom is aware of me. She knows who I am. I'm an older man who teachers at her school who has an idea that I might be romantically interested in her daughter and she's okay.

Time went on. I proceeded to now starting high school. During middle school, he felt more comfortable. He would try to kiss me randomly and in open spaces. Then he would kiss me in private spaces. He would grope me. In high school, he didn't have access to me physically. So he said, "you know what? I need to see you, but we, can't be seen in public. So I'm thinking we're going to hang out, eat pizza and watch movies."

When it was definitely far from that. I met him in a hotel room and I was still 14. I was at my summer break and instantly it was a horrific scene. It was something that woke me up where I thought, now this is not what I want in my life. I felt unprepared. And I, if anything, I was ashamed of myself because I thought I was the issue.

I thought that I couldn't express myself in the right way that maybe I was taking things out of contrast, because he would always tell me that what he would do to me was out of love. And that's how people that were in love showed each other that they loved each other. So I thought it was just me who was the issue instead of like ever asking, you know, is it him? Is there something wrong with him? I felt like it was me.

I felt to blame for, and I spoke to him. And I saw him from the time that I was 14 up until I was 19 years of age. So during that time, the closer I got to becoming 18, the more comfortable he felt, the more access he felt to me, he started blackmailing me.

He started following me, stalking me. When I told him about a boy that I liked, instantly, it was like, "no, you can't see any boys. You can't talk to any boys." Right? " Just because I can't see you right now because you're not of age, you want to go on this frenzy and see boys." And I used to tell him, like, I like you as a friend, but I don't think of anything else.

And he's like, no, I can't be your friend. I can't get out of your life either. So I felt trapped, but I felt that it was me, the issue that I allowed him in my life, that I was the one that was bringing it upon myself that I was hurting him, because he would say that I would cheat on him with my boyfriend who is now my husband.

And he always made it about how bad of a person I was. And I felt like I lived a double life in high school. I was one way around my friends, but then coming home behind closed doors, I was another way with him. I had to become aggressive with him in the form of cussing him out, telling him I don't want you in my life. I need you out. And he would always try to make me feel bad. Like, oh, it's because I'm bad. And you're so shallow. And because I'm older and you're hurting me, you know.

[00:13:48] Elizabeth: Those are reasons!

[00:13:50] Cindy: It's like, you don't know what you're doing to me. He's like, I love you so much. But even though you're doing this to me, I'm still gonna be here. I'm gonna stick it out because you're so young. You don't know.

[00:14:00] Elizabeth: Yeah, you are so young. Disgusting. Okay. Sorry. I'm getting, like, emotional listening. Do you think he always had that as an end game to get you alone, completely?

[00:14:14] Cindy: I think so. I think his plans were even more narcissistic, to be honest with you. It was never about what I thought or felt. It was always about what he wanted and what he felt and what he thought.

I remember telling him one time that I felt like a puppet. He knew which strings to pull, and how to control me, how to keep me quiet, and how to have me shame myself. Where it was like, I could have never really put the blame on him because I just felt at the end of the day, it was, to me, I felt like a bad person. And he was well aware of that. So he would always tell me, you don't see it now, but we're going to get married one day. And I was at the point of suicide because I felt like I could not get rid of him no matter what I said to him or did, I just could not get rid of him.

He raped me twice while I was still under age. One of them was anal. And the other one was vaginal. And then obviously as I became of age, he raped me again, two other times in the form of blackmailing me. So he said the only way I will get out of your life permanently, and this is me now in college, of age, he said, is if you pay me $6,000. I said, I owe you nothing. He's like, well, that's the only way from the time that I ever gifted you anything. And I said, I never asked. He's like, I know, but the times that I gifted you things, or the times that I probably drove you to a flag practice with your friends or to a competition, or maybe took you out to eat or to the movies.

I said, I never asked you. He's like, yeah, but it wasn't cheap. So that's the only way. And so he was aware that I had no work experience. I didn't have a job at the time. I didn't graduate high school because I couldn't keep myself together at the end of my high school career. So he's like, that's the only way.

So I'm looking for work now at grocery stores, at the mall, anywhere that I can be hired, but because I don't have a diploma and I have no work history or experience, they told me, I'm sorry, but we can't hire you. So his way of now speaking to me to not fully like go is calling me constantly. "Where's my money? I need my money? Give me my money." It was like, he never slept. Cause then throughout the middle of the night, he would text me. "Where's my money?" Leave me voicemails. "Where's my money?" So even if I turn my phone off, turn it back on. To just a bunch of missed calls and messages and voicemails from him. I felt tormented. Like I just couldn't get out of it.

My relationship with my boyfriend then was crumbling. I couldn't keep myself together anymore. And I remember. A form of me popping, like, okay, fine, fine. Just to hear that peace and quiet for a few hours or for a day I said, "fine, what do you want? Like, what's another way that I can pay back?" He goes, "well, if you can pay me with money, pay me with sex."

I said, "absolutely not." He goes, "well, that's the only way." So he pushed and he pushed more. He started parking outside my home, watching me. It was something so horrific like he became almost like a shadow, like a spider. So invasive, how spiders like creepy they're eerie, they hide in the corners. They're there, they're watching. That's what he became, he was so invasive and I remember telling him "fine."

And clearly I remember that he picked me up to go to college. He lived nearby my college at the time. And he picks me up when I get out, takes me to his house. I said, "you know what? I'm hungry. Let's go out and eat" He goes "no," I'm like, "you know what? It's getting late. My dad's going to call me. You should take me home. I need to leave." He goes, "no," I'm like, "let's watch something on TV." I was trying to kill time and find a way to get out now, because at that moment I felt like I really put myself here now. And he's like, "You know exactly what you're here for. It's time to pay up." And I just felt my stomach just like tighten. I got a hot flash, a cold flash. I just, I felt nauseous. I didn't feel right. I just, I knew I was in a bad place at the moment. So he proceeded to rape me. And during that time it just felt like I went numb. Like I blanked out and I went numb.

And he tells me, "you know what? I think that we should do this about three times a week." I said, "absolutely not." He goes, "but don't be a cold fish. You're such a cold fish. Act like you enjoy it." And I felt so low with myself. I couldn't believe I had put myself through that situation. I honestly blamed, myself like, Cindy, how could you do that to yourself? How could you scoop so low? To let somebody do that to you, to hurt you again, in that form. And I remember going to the shower, crying.

Nobody knew anything. My mom never suspected. My dad never suspected. My sister never suspected. My friends never did. My boyfriend didn't. It was like, I was just living in silence and I didn't know how to cope with anything because I just blamed myself.

And I remember thinking of ways of suicide again. Because that just seemed like the only way out. So suicide did not scare me. What scared me was not being successful at it. I had so many ideas and I would always think of, well, what if it wasn't successful? If I shot myself in for some miraculous reason I'm alive. If I overdose and for some miraculous reason, I'm found, they pump my stomach out. I cut myself, uh, maybe not deep enough. Just the randomest things. And I was afraid that my parents were actually, well, my mother would probably just hand me to him to not put up with me because she probably just saw that as another stress financially as a problem child, as somebody that was just shaming the name of the family.

And I know he would gladly probably offer himself and tell my mom I'll take care of her. So that was more of my fear is I would just end up with him probably in a worse place. And here comes a day, now we're going to go forward a few more years. I'm 19 now, and he's still in my life. I haven't seen him, but he's still calling, stalking.

He's still around, making it known, I'm here, even though you treat me the way you do. And I'm pregnant now with my first daughter, from my boyfriend who is now my husband. And I tell him I'm pregnant. He goes, you need to get an abortion. I said, absolutely not. He goes, "yes. Please do yourself a favor and do that child a bigger favor. Don't bring it into this world. What are you going to offer it?" What is, "Chunti" he used to call my boyfriend then which is almost like a racist term to Hispanics, and he's like, "what is he going to offer that child? Please do it a favor. You Hispanics think that it's so cute to throw baby showers and you don't know what it really takes to raise a child. Don't do that please. Right now it's so small. All you have to do is take a pill and nobody would know. I would take you."

And I knew in my heart, that's not something I wanted to do. It was not the route I was going to take. So just to keep him quiet, I learned that if I tell him what he wants to hear, he tends to back off a little bit and give me some space. So I said, "yes," knowing I was not going to go through it. He says, okay, I need your medical information. I said, "oh, I can't get that because my dad has it, and by asking for it, he's going to wonder why." It's like, "well, I'm not paying for that abortion." I said "you don't have to" he says "why not?" " Because I'm keeping the baby."

So he backs off from the money completely and now every day his conversations are, "you need to get an abortion, get an abortion." He pushes abortion harder than what he did with money. So I feel like I have no way out. My mom and dad don't know I'm pregnant. I'm now two months pregnant. They are starting to suspect because I was getting my belly, cravings and my mom threatened me. She said, if I find out you're pregnant from your boyfriend, I'm going to drag you out in front of all the neighbors from the apartments, and I'm going to beat you. And then I'm going to beat your boyfriend. So I didn't feel safe telling my mom, "mom, I'm pregnant." And I felt like my only escape was to leave my house and to move in with my boyfriend.

So my boyfriend told his parents, of course they were not happy about it, but they weren't going to tell him, get an abortion either. They were supportive. I move in with his family, and I break my cellphone to lose communication with him.

My nephew is now attending a school that he's now working in. Cause they moved him around a couple of different schools, and he asked him "where's Cindy? And he said, I don't want. And he said, "did she move in with Chupy?" He said, "I don't know." And he told him, "tell her to call me." of course I did not call him.

So I remember that I felt so afraid. Because he knew where my boyfriend lived. He had stalked him home and he would tell me, "I know where he lives." And he would describe the house and the cars that were parked outside. And I was afraid that he was going to come knocking on the door one day or be parked outside. I always felt unsafe. I was always in the high peak of anxiety and I just, I always felt watched, I never felt safe. Even seeing a private number calling me because I thought, what if it's him?

And I have my child, my first daughter. I ended up running into a friend of mine. So her sister, which I didn't know her sister's son and she joins our business because me and my husband work in financial services. So she joins the business. And I said, "you know what? You look so familiar to me." And she goes, "yeah, like from where," but I couldn't pinpoint from where I said, do you have a sister? She goes, "yes, I do." So she tells me her name and I said, "oh, I know her." I said, "was she in Mr. Arnold's class?" And she said, "yes. And I never liked him. I always thought he was creepy." So I asked her why she said, "well, because he would buy her skates and take her in a group of other kids ice skating. And I just never felt comfortable. I thought it was a weird, like why is a grown man hanging out with children? I thought that was weird." So I spoke to her sister and I asked her, "did he ever say or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable?"

And she stayed very quiet. And she said, "yes, he did." And she told me, "he used to tell me that he was going to marry me, that we were going to live on his boat, that he would take care of me. He would be with me that he loved me, and he used to buy me things. He used to buy me scapes, take me ice skating with the group of friends."

And it was almost like the same thing, very similar to what he would do with me. And I thought, "oh my gosh, if he did that to her, who else did he do it to?" Because I looked back of all the young girls that would surround him. He had like a group of girls just around him, because he was so different in the school. He was the fun, cool teacher that everybody wanted to be around with. But there was always a group of little girls around him and I thought, "oh my gosh, what about, so and so, and this girl, and I wonder if this girl and, oh my goodness, this girl has to be one of her victims too."

So I told my, my husband. I told him what had happened. He was completely unaware. And the way he reacted was I think something very natural. He felt hurt. He felt betrayed, cheated on by me because I was keeping this secret from him. And he was completely unaware of. But he figured, okay, you know what? I'm going to support you. We're going to get through this. And we're going to report this to the police. And I was so afraid. I'm like, "no, he's not looking for me. What if I just pretty much opened the can of worms up right now? Like what if things just get ugly and messy?" He's like, "no, like you just don't know." And it's true. I didn't know. I was just so afraid to speak up to, to say this happened to me, he did this to me, because I was so ashamed. I didn't want anybody knowing about it.

So we make a police report. The detectives tell me, "we believe you, but we have one problem. We don't have any evidence." So they said "we need to do a sting operation." And I said, "I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to hear him."

They said, "that's the only way. We'll record the call. We'll guide you on what to ask him and we'll get him to talk enough so we can build up a case against him." And I remember dialing his phone number. It's a phone number that's engraved to this day in my mind. And I dialed it. He didn't pick up, we dial again, picks up.

When he picks up the phone, it threw me off because he acted like we never stopped talking. Like if I had just spoken to him that morning. He started talking about his dog, about his turtle, about just a random things. Like if we never lost contact. And he kept track of my pregnancy because he said the baby must be this old with these many months. And it made my stomach just tighten up again and that nasty feeling to know that he thought a bottle flat, that he actually tracked my pregnancy and he asked me, is it a boy or a girl? I lied and said, I, he goes, "oh, where do you live?"

So I made up this whole story, telling him that I lived in the valley and instantly he thinks, "are you doing pornography?" I'm like, "no," because usually I guess in the valley they filmed that type of stuff. And I said, "no, absolutely not." And he's like, who do you live with? So he's trying to get information again, how he used to, he's trying to be invasive.

He's like, do you need anything? Do you need diapers? Do you need anything? Do you need money? I said, no, I'm fine. And he's planning already like, "oh, I could be a father to him. We'll take him to Disneyland." And I'm just thinking, absolutely not. But I'm telling him what he wants to hear to get his trust.

But once I mentioned middle-school and anything that had to do with what he did to me, he instantly would say, "you know what, you're reporting me, aren't you you're with the police, aren't you? Oh, I'm so stupid. You're setting me up right now." So I would have to calm him down and tell him that that wasn't true. That if it were true, I would have done that years ago.

I would tell him, "don't you think I would have done that when things are actually happening?" He'd be like, "yeah, you're right." And he would calm down. But something in him never settled where he felt so uncomfortable that he stopped showing up to his house. The detectives couldn't find him for a bit. He wasn't coming home. He was staying at hotel nearby, but he was saying he was somewhere else, like near a lake far away when he was not. And I told him, "you know what, let's meet up." Of course it was not going to be me. It's going to be the detectives. So I told them about a pizza spot nearby his house. So we had a day set up.

But before that day we had one more call with him and he's begging me. He's like, "please, I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm begging you. If you did report me to the authorities, I need to know because my daughter can't know about this. And I would rather die than to go to prison because I feel like my past demons have caught up with me."

So I calmed them down and assured him that wasn't the case. Of course he didn't believe me. And the detectives actually happened to run into him at a gas station. Coincidentally, they went on a police pursuit because when he saw them, he said, "I know who you are, and I'm not leaving with you. They were in a high speed pursuit. They pit maneuvered him twice. And one of those pit maneuvers, he gets stuck under a rig cause he was driving a Ford F-150 black truck, the police have their guns pointed to him. And he manages to get away somehow." So they're back to following him. He sees no way out. He just goes off the freeway, lands on a tree and the firefighters get there. He's such a big man that they have to open up the top of the car to airlift him out. He had to be easily over 300 pounds. He's easily over six three. He's a big man. And he's embarrassed. The helicopters are obviously there watching him. It's on the news. It's breaking news, it's covering his face. And he's saying he's not guilty. That he didn't do anything. He's not guilty.

But when I did have my court date with him and he saw me there, he was so upset. He, he had like a huff and puff face almost where it's like your lips aren't puckered forward. And then like, this is all briefly down here. He was so mad. He couldn't believe it. But I felt, even though I was afraid to see him there, I felt that I had some closure in that moment because I got to read a letter up to him where he couldn't tell me, "no, you don't know what you're saying. You don't know what you're thinking." He couldn't say anything back to me. And I was able to tell him everything that he did to me and how much he hurt me without him telling me that I was the crazy one and I just didn't know how to accept love. And I look back now at my case, and I think, you know what this all could have been prevented if my school district was more aware of his background. So throughout my case, I then came to find out that he already had something in his background that said, " please do not hire under any circumstances." He had already had charges with two teacher assistants, but the women dropped the charges because they were not believed at that time.

So he kept the low profile, worked as a carpenter or something like that. Before he applied again in 2005 at my middle school. And that was his way into my life, into the school district. And the school district lacked accountability in the form of, even suspecting that he had this history, they still hired him just because he wasn't sentenced or convicted.

They saw it, but they just hit it under the rug and they still hired him. And even as I was have been high school suspicions, and they just moved him from the middle school that he was working in into another one. And then from there, something else and then another one. So they just kept moving him around.

And then instead of firing him, they had him in a detention center with other teachers that have some suspicion of misconduct, but he's still getting paid just to show up and be there. So that's where the district lacked its accountability and its safety.

[00:34:33] Elizabeth: I am honestly speechless. It just makes me so sick because there were so many points along that time that like none of this should have ever happened to you. Like you were. It's such a sweet, innocent little girl and the way that he just terrorized you for years, I don't think anything replaces or makes up for that.

And I even think after my experience, I feel like it makes me a little bit suspicious of everyone. And even at church, the place that you think is the most safe place ever, they have a class for like the kids, like 18 months to three years old. And it just so happened in the church that I went to, there weren't, there were no, or very rarely were there other little babies, but I had an 18 month old. And the first day I went to go drop her off into this little classroom, there was two men in there and they were the instructors. And simply, I know it sounds like I'm prejudiced or that I just naturally stereotype people, but simply the fact that they were two old men, I wasn't comfortable leaving my 18 month old daughter in there alone with them.

I didn't do it. And I sat in there with them the whole time. And just to think that the school turned a blind eye. Not just one school, but multiple schools. And, he clearly, didn't just terrorize just you, but so many other girls is just, honestly, it just breaks my heart. Thank goodness for your husband and his moment of clarity and saying, "I'm going to stand with you and we're going to get through this and we're going to report him."

And because I'm sure he'd still be out there terrorizing, and continuing on. Did he end up getting convicted?

[00:36:21] Cindy: Yes, he did. He actually took a plea bargain. So he didn't admit to all the counts, he admitted to some, he got sentenced for seven years, but then he admitted to another one. So then it was about four and a half. And then with good behavior, he came out in two and a half.

[00:36:39] Elizabeth: He came out in two and a half. So he's out there today.

[00:36:44] Cindy: He is out there somewhere today. He has to register as the sex offender for life.

[00:36:49] Elizabeth: Oh, my word, it just makes me sick to my stomach. He should never have gotten out. Wow. Have your parents ever come back around and apologized or talked to you about what happened?

[00:37:04] Cindy: So when I did make the report, initially I spoke with my mom and I said everything that happened to me, but she said, "you never told me." I said, "no, I was afraid." And she said, "well, I would have reported him. "And I said, "would you really have?" She's like, "I would have gone to the police." I'm like, "would you really have?" And she stayed quiet and she goes, "okay, well, I would have confronted him directly and threatened him that I would go to the police." And I said, "well, what you really go to the police?" And she stayed quiet. And in that moment, she goes, "you know what? I don't know why you had to open your big mouth. This is going to be on the news. Your dad's gonna to find out, your sister's going to find out. The people that I work for are going to find out, and what are they going to say about me?"

And I cried because I couldn't believe that she turned my pain into her own selfish worries. So for years I struggled with my mother and I didn't want to be close to her. I felt so betrayed by her. I didn't feel comfortable being around her. And I was very bitter and angry towards her, but obviously moving forward and finding Christ, that was what helped me cope with that. Now I look at my mom and I don't hold anything against her because now I see her more with, with grace.

I look at her childhood, she was orphaned at the age of seven. Her mother passed away. When she was seven years old, she was then adopted by her grandmother, which then she had to go back to an orphanage because grandmother passed away when she was 11. She got pregnant at 16, lived in an abusive relationship, left El Salvador came to the state, meets my dad. They get married. I'm born about 10, 15 years later. And it's like, they never had the adequate tools. My father didn't either. He didn't feel comfortable being at home with his family. But I do understand that they both had very rough childhood. So, I know they didn't have the adequate tools, the love support, the family, so I don't blame them. I don't hold anything against them anymore. I think they did the best that they could, as far as knowing what they thought they could do and being that the right. And the right form of just coping with these type of things.

[00:39:43] Elizabeth: That is an extremely compassionate view. Cause I think I would still probably be dealing with a lot of anger if I had experienced the same situation. But you seem so articulate and well-spoken, and I feel like you just have very much a sense of grace about you. And I'm curious to hear, what do you feel like has, and, and maybe, maybe you don't feel like it, maybe I'm wrong, I mean, this is over Zoom, but I can't help, but be curious, what do you feel like has helped you?

[00:40:17] Cindy: I really believe my freedom came from Christ because for years, I went to therapy, and therapy is an amazing tool. It helped me so much, but I always felt like something, something that's missing. I didn't know what it was. I always blame myself. Like it's been this long and I can't seem to move on or get over it. What is it, why do I still feel like he still has some sense of control over my life? Whether it's, I'm sleeping probably in a dream, whether it's a trigger, a scent, hearing a certain phrase or seeing somebody that looks like him and just having triggers.

I'm like, why do I still feel this way? Why can't I allow my husband to love me? Because there's times where I would push him away. And I know that made him feel so bad and I would constantly tell myself he is not him. And it was like a back and forth battle for years. And to be honest with you just recently, about two years ago, I was able to fully let that go.

I found Jesus Christ. I grew up in a home where I was raised Catholic. My mom became a believer when I was seven years old, she would take me to church, but it wasn't something that I understood yet. I knew who God was, but I didn't have a relationship with him. And for years I pushed him away. I didn't want to be close to God because I felt like, especially in my teenage years that I was so unworthy. That, who was I to ask him for prayer, for anything because of how I was living my life, because of all this shame that I brought upon myself and all the bad things that I did to myself, and I was looking for anything, but him. And came a day where I was 28, I was going to celebrate my 29th birthday that same day.

And I remember a friend of mine came to the house where I now live in. My friends used to live here before, but he said, "can I pray for you?" I said, "yes, absolutely." So he prayed for me and for my husband and the moment he prayed for me, I started crying because I could not believe what I was feeling, where I ran away from God for so long, because I was so ashamed, embarrassed, I felt unworthy. I felt that who was I to come to him? I would always tell myself, well, maybe if I work in this area of my life, then maybe I can go to church to not feel so bad. And here comes the Lord and he's the opposite of what I thought. He's holding me. He's showing me his love, his mercy, his grace, letting me know, I've been here the whole time.

I just didn't see it. So when I look back now throughout that traumatic event, I can see he was there, even though I didn't see it then. He placed my friend's sister at the time to help me come forward. He placed my daughter to help me move out. He placed my husband to be that support. He placed an amazing attorney in my life who fought for my case so hard for many years. He placed amazing therapists in my life to help me cope with my trauma.

And then of course he placed my friend that prayed for me that day to g uide me to the Lord. So that day I accepted Christ and I got baptized in February of 2020. And since then I have not looked back. I completely surrendered it to the Lord.

[00:43:50] Elizabeth: I hope he doesn't either. Cindy, you have just been so wonderful today. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know that it's not always easy, but I so appreciate it.

You just have such strength and you. Just are amazing. And I think you're such a beautiful example because there are so many survivors and victims who go through, maybe not exactly the same, but similar situations and they feel those same emotions. And so I think it's always so inspiring to hear other people's stories of how they came through and how they .

Overcame the challenges that they were facing and struggling and how they've moved forward. And you certainly do all of those. And so I want to say thank you so much and you have a book out. So if people want to learn more about your story, what is your book called and where can they find it?

[00:44:46] Cindy: My book is called Living in Silence, Finding My Voice, Claiming My Freedom. And it is available for purchase on Amazon. So it's available in a book form and also an Audible and then Audible form and in a Kindle version also.

[00:45:02] Elizabeth: Amazing. Perfect. So if you listen to today, go straight to Amazon and make sure you get her book because she's amazing. And I feel lucky to have had her today. I hope I get to meet you one day in person. That would be incredible. And thank you so much for giving your time today and thank you to everyone for listening and for supporting this episode, please be sure to like, and subscribe and catch us next time on our next episode.

See you soon.