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TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Elizabeth Smart: Um, You're listening to smart talks with the Elizabeth smart foundation. I'm your host. Elizabeth smart, smart talks provide survivors and supporters with tools for healing, a sense of community and empowerment. So we can all heal and move forward together.
[00:00:25] Before we get into the interview. I want to take a moment to thank members of the Elizabeth smart foundation victory club. The victory club is our community of monthly donors and without them so much of what we do at the foundation, wouldn't be possible. If you want to learn more about the victory club and where the money goes, head to Elizabeth smart foundation.org under the victory club tab.
[00:00:46] Now let's get into our interview.
[00:00:53] Hello, and welcome to another episode of Smart Talks by the Elizabeth Smart Foundation. I am Elizabeth Smart, and today we're just going to go through some more of the questions that we received through our social media channels and email. And so just starting off with the first one. It's a question more surrounding recovery, but it's "what advice do you have for those who still struggle many years later?"
[00:01:21] And I think this actually is a really important question because I feel like a lot of times we put pressure on ourselves or we compare ourselves to other people and think, "well, she seems just fine, and that only happened six months ago, or that happened a year ago. And mine was five years ago or 10 years ago or 18 years ago or 20. And it's still really hard for me."
[00:01:41] And you, you cannot do that. That does not work. You can't compare yourself to anyone else. We're all so unique. We're all so different. And we process things differently. And how we experience trauma is all very different as well, and so you can't just think there's a one size fits all in healing and moving forward and letting go of the past, because there's just, you can't, there's just no way you can do that.
[00:02:18] So, I mean, my first thing I would say is do not give up. Whether it's been five years or 10 years or 50 years, don't give up. I mean, I don't actually feel like healing is linear. It kind of, I feel like it loops around, swirls around. I feel like so many things in the world affect us, where we are as human beings, you know, where we are like age-wise, I mean, you know, even if you want to get more scientific, which I don't have actual facts like right in front of me. But I mean, just talking to friends of mine who have experienced things and going off of my own experience, I can say like, you know, having kids, you know, that brings on changes in my body. And for instance, when I'm pregnant I'm very healthy. Like I don't suffer a lot of negative side effects when I'm pregnant, but I really personally do not enjoy being pregnant because it makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel like I cannot move as quickly as I need to move or you know, be able to like physically do everything that I feel like I would want to do if I had to run away or if I had to escape or if I had to like pick up my children and, you know, it just to me being pregnant is vulnerability. But prior to that, you know, when I'm not pregnant I, you know, I don't have those feelings.
[00:03:57] So what I'm saying is that as you go through life, as you go through different stages of your life there are different things that will, you know, bring things back up to the surface and, you know, that's why you don't give up, you don't lose hope. You know, you find your tools, you use your tool set, you constantly work on expanding your tool set. So within, when I say tools, I mean, things like therapy and what modality of therapy is best for you. And do you have a therapist you trust? But then also kind of like finding those things that bring you peace, finding those things that bring you joy, being like, "okay, I'm having kind of a moment here, but I know that when I go play my harp, it is very soothing. So I'm going to go play my harp and I'm going to see if that helps first. And then if that doesn't help, then I'm going to call it my best friend. And I'm just going to chat with her. And if that doesn't help, then I'm going to call or I'm going to go, you know, have a massage or go and talk with my therapist or, you know, something along those lines.
[00:05:05] So you don't give up. You never give up. You never feel bad. You never compare yourself to anyone else. Never feel bad about yourself is what I'm saying. Cause we all feel bad sometimes. Constantly working on growing and expanding your toolkit, your skillset, on finding the things that help you and then keep going, keep believing, keep believing that happiness is possible and that you can achieve it.
[00:05:32] Moving on to another question, "is it hard having people look at you as someone who has triumphed over past traumas, does it pressure you to act happier than you feel?" That's a pretty good question, actually. I don't know that it's so hard having people look at me as someone who's overcome past traumas. I don't think that's for me, what I have struggled with. I mean, I think personally, I'm incredibly flattered that people would look at me that way.
[00:06:13] I think what was most difficult for me was coming back and having the recognition that I've had over the years, because prior to my kidnapping, I was very much a wallflower. I mean, I was very happy just to kind of keep going on my day. Not being noticed, not standing out. Just of course I wanted to have friends and of course I wanted people to like me, but I don't feel like I craved the spotlight. Like I, I just like, did I want to be involved? Yes. But I did not need to be the center of attention.
[00:06:51] So I think that was the hardest. And now as a parent, sometimes around, you know, four o'clock in the afternoon, sometimes I have this thought go through my head, that's usually along the lines of "thank goodness I'm home because right now, I'm a mess. My house is a mess. My children look like they're homeless. I mean, they've got yesterday's hair, like still in pigtails or falling out of pigtails and Cheerios and chocolate are smashed across their faces and they're running around and screaming and pulling the cat's tail and, you know, teasing the dog." And mean, It's usually about that time in the middle of the day that I start thinking I don't, I don't have this together.
[00:07:37] Yeah. I'm, I'm a hot mess. So yeah, that's me. But I would venture to say I'm probably not alone in feeling that way or experiencing that. So that's okay. But sure. There are some times where I'm like, "I should be more together. Like I should, I should know better what to do in this situation," but the truth is, as far as parenting goes, like I've never done it before. I'm not an expert in parenting. Like this is, you know, I have three kids and each stage that my kids go through is a new experience for me. So, you know, I'm, I'm learning as I go along. And when I have those thoughts, I usually try to like have another side, a voice of reason, reminding me that I haven't done this before.
[00:08:24] I mean, how, like I'm not, I don't profess myself as an expert in parenting or, or anything else. So I'm just doing the best I can and I need to be okay with that. Okay, so that's yes.
[00:08:41] And the next question is, "how can parents and siblings best support a survivor? How can we heal from our own pain from what happened to someone we love?"
[00:08:52] I actually love these questions and they kind of flow right into one of our very core beliefs at Elizabeth Smart Foundation and our core campaigns at Elizabeth Smart Foundation, which is our We Believe You campaign. We run it in November to about the beginning of December and it started because as I've traveled and as I've spoken and I've met other survivors and I've met victims and I've worked with so many different advocacy groups around America, and Canada actually, the number one comment that I have received, this is the number one comment that I've received when I speak with victims that they say about themselves, is that nobody believes them. And that belief honestly is so important.
[00:09:45] I feel like when a victim comes to you and discloses to you, because whether you know someone who has openly shared their abuse, or you can't think of anyone that has experienced abuse, you do know someone who has, whether they've shared it with you or not. You do actually know someone who's experienced abuse, and it's an incredibly vulnerable experience disclosing that abuse to someone.
[00:10:11] And so when they finally do I mean, they're trusting you, they're giving you like a very sacred trust. And if that is just thrown back in their face, they may never share it again. And they might hold it inside and they may never seek help and it can destroy them from the inside out. So when someone shares with you what's happened to them, the first and foremost thing that you should do is to believe them, let them know that you believe them and that you support them and that you're there for them. As they're sharing their experience with you, just let them talk. Don't question them. If they open it up and say, you know, if you have a question, you can ask me, then that's fine, but just because they're sharing what they went through does not give you permission to ask questions about what they went through. You know, be the support for them. You know, if it's, if it's appropriate, then you know, offer to take them to the police station, offer to help them file a report. And at that point, you know, they'll have a forensic interviewer come in.
[00:11:27] They'll have people who have been trained in trauma and know how to deal in these situations. And they will be the ones who will be able to ask the questions, ask them in the least harmful way while gathering the most information possible to help their case.
[00:11:44] And that is really, I mean, that's really important is having someone who is trained in that because when I came home and actually even still to this day I recognize that when I get asked this question, people aren't coming from a mean place. They're coming from a place of curiosity, which I totally understand. I mean, we're human beings. I think by nature, we're all curious. You know, we, we all want to know why we want to know what happened before we want to know what happened next. We want to know, you know, how this came about. It's only natural to be curious.
[00:12:16] So I'm going to say, go against your instinct when someone shares with you or discloses to you about their abuse. But for me, for years and years and years when I would share my story or when I talk about it. I mean there were times when I was out in public and people would always be like, "well, why didn't you run? I mean, you were so close. Why didn't you scream? I mean, there were people around, like they could have helped you. Why didn't you do something?" And for years I could never understand why I would just feel so defensive immediately. And why, it wasn't that I'd get angry with that person, but I've kind of, I wasn't angry, but I was just kind of like, "why would you ask me that? How could you ask me that? Like, do you not listen to what I was saying? Do you not understand what it was like while I was there?" But the truth is, is no. They didn't understand what it was like while I was there. They didn't see the full picture. I mean, they're seeing just a tiny little pinprick on this of this whole experience of mine.
[00:13:22] Whereas when I look at it, I know everything that led up to it. I know about the months before that led up to that moment. I know about the months after. I know what it was like day in and day out. I know what the tension was with that emotion was what the feeling was. And even as much as I share my story, no one can truly recreate that moment for someone else to see it through my eyes, to feel it through my emotions.
[00:13:50] And so when people would ask me these questions, you know, I just feel like, why are you asking me that, like you just don't understand clearly. But I also, it wasn't even the question I began hearing. It was, I began hearing an accusation. I began hearing, "well, you should have run. You should have screamed. You should have tried harder. You should have fought, you should have done more because you had an opportunity to, and you didn't take it." But I mean, I know most people never meant their questions that way, but that's how my brain began to interpret them. And I've come to realize that when we start questions with the words, "why didn't you," that is placing blame on the victim, on the survivor. That is inadvertently telling them that they are at fault.
[00:14:45] There was something they could have done and they didn't do it. And that's not fair, that's not right. You should never do that. Because at the end of the day, they didn't ask to be raped. They didn't asked to be kidnapped. They didn't ask to be hurt. They didn't ask for any of this to go on and it did. And they're here now, and they're sharing it with you because they feel like you're a safe person. They feel like you can help them. They feel like they trust you enough that, you know, you can be a support to them or give them guidance or hold their hand through a dark time. And so it's very serious that we take this seriously that we aren't just flippant about it, that we listen, that we tell them, we confirm to them that we believe them.
[00:15:31] We offer to help them in any way we can, so whether that's going to the police and making a report or it's being like, "would you, you know, what can I do for you? Do you want to talk about it some more? Do you want to go for a walk? Do you just want to go out to ice cream and talk about the new movie that came out or the latest show on Netflix or whatever, or, you know, can I like, do you have a therapist? Have you seen professional help? Like, do you want me to go with you? Do you want me to help you find someone?"
[00:16:01] Or, you know, we have these great resources. They're all over America. They're called advocacy centers. We've got children's advocacy centers and a lot of, I'd say almost all children's advocacy centers would not close their doors to an adult if they needed help. So many of them do offer family services. So make use of these services, you know, we have YWCAs. They're great resources. We have, I mean, we have the, there are rape recovery centers.
[00:16:32] We've got all these hotlines like the Rape Crisis Hotline, Human Trafficking Hotline, Domestic Violence Hotline. I mean, we have resources available to us that if you don't know where to turn, you don't know where to go for help, look at these resources, you know, look up the Rape Crisis Hotline. Look up where your nearest advocacy center is, whether it's at children's advocacy or an adult advocacy center.
[00:16:59] Look them up because they will have resources. They will be able to help you. And at the very least, if they don't have the resources and they aren't able to help you, they can point you in the right direction. So don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to, you know, look a little bit beyond yourself.
[00:17:16] And if it's you who are the friend who is being disclosed to believe them, support them and keep being their friend, don't shut them out.
[00:17:26] And then maybe the last question on this episode is, "what's one thing you wish people knew about you?" One thing I wish people knew about me, I'm pretty normal. I mean, I scrub toilets and do laundry, just like everyone else. I've got three kids. They are the best part of my life, even if it's exhausting sometimes, or a lot of the times.
[00:17:54] I love spending time outside. I love to be around people who I care about. Naturally I still am probably an introvert, but I can handle being around people. I think I am a pretty nice person at heart. I think I would never consciously make a decision to purposely hurt someone. But, but I make mistakes all the time, all the time.
[00:18:26] And I think that, yeah, I mean for as bad as everything was that I went through and my kidnapping and my captivity, I don't think I can imagine my life turning out any better than it has. And so I feel like I will always keep striving to have happiness in my life to have peace in my life. And during the more turbulent times in my life, I'm going to do my darndest to never give up. So
[00:19:00] with that being said, I want to say thank you for tuning into this episode of Q and A with me, and we'll see you next time on Smart Talks. And don't forget to rate us, subscribe, leave a review and catch you next time.
[00:19:17] Bye-bye.