SHOW NOTES
Follow Elizabeth on Instagram and Facebook.
Follow Elizabeth on YouTube for more answers to your questions.
Follow the Elizabeth Smart Foundation on Instagram and Facebook.
Chat 24/7 with the National Sexual Assault Hotline.
TRANSCRIPT
Elizabeth Smart: Welcome to Smart Talks. For the next few episodes, we're going to focus on a question I get asked a lot. So many survivors come to me with questions about how to move forward with healthy relationships, and specifically sex, physical intimacy, after being abused or assaulted. I think this topic is so important, but I recognize that I can't answer these questions all on my own.
[00:00:25] That's why for the month of July, we are going to interview therapists and survivors who have experience in this field. As we do this, I hope that many of you are able to connect with new tools for healing or think of new ways to advocate for survivors and for yourself, and for your own sexuality. If you feel uncomfortable with this topic or are triggered by these topics, feel free to skip the next month and come back to us in August.
[00:01:46] Welcome to another episode of Smart Talks by the Elizabeth Smart Foundation. I am Elizabeth Smart and today's episode, we are once again taking questions from our listeners through social media and through email, and I will just be answering the questions that come in. We got a question from someone who is asking advice for someone who orgasmed from rape, and the comment afterward is "it's eating me alive."
[00:02:17] Okay. First of all, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's like when you go to the doctor for a physical and they have those little reflex tests where they can, you know, hit you with the hammer on your knee, or right below your knee joint and your leg automatically kicks. That is possible to happen. I mean, it's the same thing from being raped.
[00:02:43]Your body is, your body is incredible and amazing. And emotionally you might be feeling one thing, but your body still reacts another way. It's not your fault. You deserve to be at peace with yourself. It was never your fault. You were raped. The only person who was at fault here is your rapist.
[00:03:07] And just because you orgasmed, that does not make you complicit in it, that doesn't mean that you enjoyed it or that emotionally you were there. Your body reacted. Your body had a physical reaction to being raped. That does not mean that there's anything wrong with you, that does not mean that you are complicit or that you should feel guilt over what happened.
[00:03:35] You absolutely should not. You don't always have control over your own body, and your body just responded. So please know that I don't blame you at all. And that anyone who understands this, wouldn't blame you either. And that it's, it's not your fault and that your body simply had a physical reaction.
[00:04:03] It wasn't emotional. It wasn't it mental. It wasn't spiritual. You had a physical reaction. You, it came from your body and it's, it's not your fault. And please don't give up on yourself, please, please accept that your body is incredible and it's amazing. And don't blame your body. Don't blame yourself. The only person who you should blame is the person who raped you.
[00:04:30] And frankly, they should rot in hell for what they did. So please give yourself some grace. Please give yourself some love and don't give up on yourself.
[00:04:39]The next question is," “how can I be comfortable to start dating again with a history of sexual abuse?” Once again, all of these questions, I'm not a professional. I can only speak for myself. So if this doesn't make sense to you, if this doesn't speak to you, then, then disregard what I said, because this is only coming from my experience. But I think that this is very common. I've met a lot of people who have been sexually assaulted, sexually abused, and they have a very difficult time trying to reconnect with honestly anyone around them. It's not even just, you know, dating situations, it's with anyone. And so I think once again, it's allowing yourself to, I'm going to use the word grace again, give yourself a little bit of grace and accept that that is a pretty natural and normal response to have that it's very common.
[00:05:36] You're definitely not alone in feeling like, well, how could I ever begin to trust that again? And take baby steps. Don't feel like you need to go from zero to 50 on your first date, or even the first time you meet someone, you know, Just meet them. Make sure you feel safe. So maybe it's, you know, going with another friend, maybe it's staying in a public place. I don't know. Maybe it's invited someone over to dinner at your parents' house, which I get a lot of people are like, "oh, meet the parents. It's a big deal," but don't let that pressure get to you. If that's what makes you feel safe then that's what makes you feel safe. And there's nothing wrong with you.
[00:06:16] And if whoever you're going out with, you know, is interested in you, genuinely interested in you, then they will be able to get past that. And if you feel like you want to share with them, what's happened, then share with them what's happened. If you don't feel like you're ready to share with them, then you don't need to, you're not obligated to tell anyone your story.
[00:06:37] You tell people your story because you want to, because you feel like they're a safe person or because, because you feel like it's the right time. Ultimately, it's your story, it's your experience, and it's you get to decide. You know, that's your choice. So, figure out what helps you feel safe, figure out what helps you feel like you know, you can breathe a little bit, that you aren't worried about, you know, make the situation as safe as you can. If it, for instance, if you want to go out to dinner with someone, maybe go to a restaurant that you like, that you know, that you feel safe at. Set boundaries, explain how you feel or your boundaries to whoever it is you're going out with.
[00:07:22]Even if it's something like, you know, "I had some really bad experiences in the past. I just need to take things slow. I'm interested in you, but just, if you could just be patient with me, I would really appreciate that." And frankly, that right there should probably tell you a lot about the person that you're with anyway. I feel like I'm being a relationship therapist, which I know nothing about. So if none of this makes sense, once again, just disregard it.
[00:07:51]The next question is, "how do you tell your boyfriends or husband about past trauma?" Also, that is, that is kind of up to you and the situation in which you feel most comfortable.
[00:08:05]Okay, a lot of people are very familiar with my story and my husband first met me in kind of a public setting where people recognized me. And so he knew right off the bat that there was something different about me. He's not from America, he's from Scotland, but we were around a lot of other Americans and the other Americans would come up and ask for a picture. And so he was like, "Hey, what, what's going on? What's with this girl?" And they kind of explained it to him, but so he knew from the get-go that there was something different about me that I had a past. But we, I didn't ever really feel the need to sit and I don't know, hash out every detail with him.
[00:08:52]After we started dating and as we got closer to getting engaged and married, I just said, I know that, you know, you've, you're familiar with what happened because other people have told you and you've heard me speak before, because by the time I met him, I was doing presentations and advocacy work. So all these topics were things that we had talked about before, and that were things that were very, that I'm very passionate about. So none of it was like a big, huge surprise.
[00:09:22]And so I just said, look, this isn't going to be something that I'm going to talk about, like my personal kidnapping, every day, because I don't think about it every day and I want to move forward with my life. But if there's something that bothers you, or if there's something that you feel like you need to know for the health and wellbeing of our relationship, then, then you can ask me.
[00:09:44] And that's kind of how we went on. And actually when I was writing my book, my first book, My Story, it was shortly after we got married and and yeah, a lot of the details that he learned came from him reading my book as I was writing it. So, and if he had the question then then he asked it, and if he asked a question and I just like, couldn't answer it, or I didn't want to, I would try to explain to him, you know, why I felt uncomfortable asking the question. And honestly, I'm trying to think if there ever even has been, I think there has been something maybe once or twice where I've just been, like, I just don't want to talk about it. And he's always respected that and been like, "it's okay. I know enough." He's like, "it's not necessary for me to know everything." So that's kind of how it worked out for us.
[00:10:39]I do think it is helpful. If you are struggling with something to let your partner know, let your spouse or your partner or your significant other know what you're dealing with so that they can be there as a support for you so that they can be there to help you when you need them. And if it's even just that you need like a little extra patience or compassion in your life that they're there to give it to you. So I think, I think it is helpful.
[00:11:06]Moving on to the next group of questions, "how do I help a friend who doesn't want to come forward with her story and filed charges against her abuser?"
[00:11:17] Frankly, I struggle with this too, because so many people I meet, they're like, "oh, I don't want to press charges. I don't want to do this." And part of me is like, "why not? Why don't you?" But at the same time, I also understand where they're coming from because to have survived, you know, a rape or a kidnapping is already horrendous enough.
[00:11:35] And the thought of going to the police and laying it out in the open is, is terrifying. It's opening yourself up to vulnerability again, and it's scary. It's really scary. And what if they don't believe you? What if, I don't know what if it's, what if the media picks it up? What if people start looking at you differently? What if it jeopardizes your job or your family, or, I mean, there's a lot, a lot, a lot of contributing factors as to why someone might not want to report this. Plus there's very, very. There are very, very valid reasons as well regarding their personal safety as to why they may not feel like they can report it as well.
[00:12:18] So it's really hard because I personally, like, I always want to see every victim get justice, which unfortunately rarely happens. But it doesn't change my desire for that. And so it's learning to accept that person's decision, but be there for them in every way that you can possibly be there for them, you know, be their friend, be, be their support.
[00:12:47]You know, if they need help, encourage them to go get help, encourage if you need to go there with them, go there with them, you know, maybe they had a bad experience with therapy. Well, guess what? There's so many different kinds. Don't give up, go try a different kind, go try a different therapist.
[00:13:04]You might find therapy in very non-traditional ways as well. I mean, maybe it's waking up before everyone in your home wakes up and meditating. Maybe it's, I don't know, going and learning some self-defense. Maybe it's looking up Smart Defense through the Elizabeth Smart Foundation and signing up. Maybe it's, maybe it's just sitting at home and feeling safe, allowing yourself to feel safe in your own space.
[00:13:36]But helping that person, listening to that person, supporting that person, being there for them and treating them like a friend, not just treating them like they're this fragile glass ornament that's going to break because that can also be very, a very difficult situation to navigate as well, but just treat them like a friend, be like, "Hey, I'm going to a movie, do you want to come with me?" Or I just picked up some Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and I brought a pint for you. Do you want to sit and eat it with me?" Sometimes it's just as simple as being a friend.
[00:14:10] And actually I know so many people have lots of advice on this topic. And so if you are struggling, you know, ask the people around you because I guarantee every single person, whether they know it or not, know someone who has been abused. And we all have experiences and we can all talk about what's helped us, and so ask people what's helped them in their lives when they were struggling. Think back on your own life, what's helped you in times where you've struggled and then be that person to your friend.
[00:14:43]I think the last question for today is about parenting. And, "are you over protective of your kids after what you went through?" Yes. Yes. And yes. I always think to myself, oh, I will never regret being there for my kids. I'll never regret, you know, watching my kids, but I might regret not watching them. And so definitely, probably tend to be on the extreme end of the over-protective scale, where I always want to know where my kids are at, what they're doing, who they're with who's who's treating them or how people are treating them, what's appropriate. I have conversations, especially with my oldest who actually will be going into, into first grade this fall about what's appropriate. What's not appropriate. Sometimes it is okay to fight back. Sometimes it's okay to scream and to yell and to practice and "no" is a good word to say. And the difference between being respectful and being, being taken care of yourself.
[00:15:46]So these are all kinds of things that I try my best to instill in my kids. And, but first and foremost that I love them unconditionally. And should anything ever happen to them, I will still love them and I will still be there. I will still be their mom. I will always love them. I will always want them. I will always do everything I can to protect them, to help them, to support them. And that whatever someone else does to them, it's not their fault. I mean, please, please, please. Heavenly Father, never let anyone hurt my children, but if it ever happens that they know that it's not their fault for that I'm here for them.
[00:16:29] And with that, thank you for listening to Smart Talks. I truly appreciate all of your support and all of your continued support to survivors around us because that's how survivors heal is through support. So thank you.